Kills Me Inside
by thenoblehouseofblack
Summary: Remus Lupin tried to kill himself three times in his life. And three times, he was unsuccessful. This is why.


There had been three times in Remus Lupin's life where he had tried to kill himself. The first time had been at midnight on his 11th birthday. He had grown up hearing the stories of Hogwarts and the adventures in the magical castle. But he had also grown up with the monster within on every full moon. He knew he would not get his letter from Hogwarts. And so, at midnight on the day he finally turned 11, Remus Lupin tried to jump off the roof of their home. Well he did jump. But it was that exact moment that he did that his random burst of magic presented itself and he bounced around on the ground, unscathed. It was at the exact moment that he stopped bouncing that a beautiful owl landed beside him with an official envelope attached to its leg. He read it with shaking hands, and by the time he was done, he had forgotten, just for a moment, why he had jumped in the first place. But instead of dwelling on that, he had run to tell his parents.

And then he went to Hogwarts, where he learned all sorts of magic and excelled. He made friends he never thought he would. He had adventures he never thought possible. He pushed the limits of magic as far as he could. Sure  
every month the beast within came out, and he hid in the Shrieking Shack to protect others, but for the first time since he was bitten, he was happy. He had James and Sirius and Peter. He had a family. And then they transformed to help him get by, and their adventures continued. They explored more of the grounds and the neighboring village than any student before them. Hogwarts became his home. And all thoughts of that dark night when he had jumped vanished from memory. For the first time, Remus Lupin felt human.

And then the four Marauders graduating and entered the deadly world outside the gates of his castle home. They entered the war, and fought for the light, for the good, for Dumbledore. They thought they were invincible, and watching his friends as he did, he really believed they were. He stood beside Sirius and Peter as James married Lily. He fought beside them as they battled Death Eaters. He laughed beside them when they recounted their especially heroic wins at night. He thought that this would last forever, him and his friends. He thought that even when they were gone, dead and buried, and even the dust from their bones has vanished from the earth, people would sing odes to their friendship and the things they had done together. But for all their plans for the future, for all their disregard of mortality, Remus Lupin never, not once had ever thought it would end the way it did.

It didn't seem possible to him that Sirius Black would ever betray James Potter. He had been so sure that Sirius would rather die first than to join Voldemort and give up James. James, who was more a brother to him than even Regulus. Everyone had been shocked when Sirius Black betrayed James Potter. But Remus, Remus had been baffled. It didn't make sense to him. He had seen the two together. He had seen how theirs was a bond that not even Remus or Peter could ever even penetrate. Sure they were all best friends, but James and Sirius had been brothers in the truest of forms. And Peter, poor Peter. He had been the weaker of them all, below average even. To find out that it was by Sirius's hand that Peter died, Peter never even had a chance. It was when he heard that Sirius had admitted to killing them, when he heard that he had laughed as the Aurors took him away to Azkaban, when the loneliness of being the last Marauder left had begun to sink in that Remus finally believed that Sirius was truly guilty. And then Remus was alone, utterly alone.

That was the second time Remus Lupin tried to kill himself. He had a vial of Draught of Living Death, badly concocted of course. It would kill him, he was sure. He was ready for this life to end. It didn't seem fair to him, that he should get to live on normally when his brothers had met such horrific fates. Of them all, Remus had always been sure he would be the first to die, because he deserved it, because inside, there lived a monster. Now, with James and Peter dead, and Sirius, the reason for it, locked away in Azkaban forever, he had nothing to live for. The most he hoped for was a quick, easy death.

It had been just as he was about to bring the vial to his lips to end his miserable life that Dumbledore flew in from the flames of his Phoenix, Fawkes. He told him that James and Lily's son lived on, that a horrible future waited for him, that he would need help to guide him through the darkness. He told him that James would have wanted him to be that light, especially now when all the others were gone. He told him that Voldemort would come back one day, and Harry would need help. He would need Remus. And Remus poured the vial down the drain.

He watched silently as Harry grew up, always from afar. Dumbledore had been very clear. Remus could not have contact with Harry until he was 11. He was afraid, Remus thought, that Harry would be too overwhelmed with the truth of what had happened, and he thought there was no way Remus could stop himself from sharing it with the boy. But he was wrong. Remus would never have been able to burden Harry with the truth. He would have shielded him from it even to his last breath. How was he to tell the son of his best friend that he had been betrayed by the man he trusted most in the world? Harry would trust no one again. Harry would be scarred, and tormented, more than what lay ahead for him. And so Remus abided by Dumbledore's orders and stayed away, watching from the shadows. He was sure Harry never saw him, though once, he thought maybe the boy had looked over at him. It was later that he found out that Harry had not seen him.

Seeing him though, alive and well, even if he did not seem happy, even if the Muggle family he was left with, Lily's sister, kept him miserable, it filled Remus's empty heart with joy. At least Harry was alive. Even if the others weren't, even if Sirius was locked up, and only Remus was left, Harry was alive. James's legacy, Lily's legacy, he was _alive. _Remus was not alone, because a part of them remained.

Then, Sirius Black escaped. Remus grew fearful. Harry was in danger. Harry, their only hope, the last of them, their legacy, his very life was hanging on the brink. When Dumbledore offered him the job, he had taken it right away. He had to protect Harry, And he had tried, he really had. Even if Harry had not seen him, had not known, he had tried.

And then the most glorious thing happened. He saw Peter's name on the Marauder's Map. He knew immediately what the truth was. He hated himself for doubting it, even for a moment. He should have known. He should have known Sirius Black would never, not in a million years, betray James Potter. He should have known he would have died first. He ran immediately to meet his old friend.

But then he had to run, and Harry's third year came to an end. The students learned of what he was, and he left. But he didn't care. Because Sirius was innocent. And he was no longer alone. He no longer had to protect Harry alone. He had a partner, the best partner, his favorite partner.

The third and final time Remus Lupin tried to kill himself, it was right after Sirius had died. For such a short time, he hadn't been alone anymore. Alas, fate was a cruel thing. And Sirius had been taken from him so shortly after they were reunited once more. He knew Harry still needed him, especially now, but he couldn't take it anymore. He couldn't be alone again with only his memories to serve him. It was this third and final time that Remus Lupin almost achieved his goal. It was on the brink of his death that he saw a dream. Later, he would believe it was the only thing that had saved him, it was the only thing that had made him fight again and face Voldemort.

In the dream, Remus was shown a vision. He was in a dark room, one without windows or doors. It was not the room he had been in when he had drunk the poison. And now, he was not alone. James stood before him, and Sirius, and Lily. They were smiling at him. Brother, they bid him. Your time is not done, they told him. Harry needs you, the world needs you, they reminded him. They told him he would return to them one day, and they would be together again for eternity. But this day could not be that day.

Remus Lupin did not contemplate taking his own life after that. Not when Tonks tried to tell him that maybe he deserved love too. Not when Harry was gone, and no one knew where he was or what he was doing. Not when people were dying around him once again. No, instead he fought, and fought harder. He reminded himself that he would see James and Sirius again. He reminded himself that he was doing this for Harry, and for Tonks, and for his son. He was doing this for a better world. And Remus Lupin fought and fought. Until finally, he was brought down by a curse. It seemed odd, that despite everything he had done to try to take his own life, that it was a single curse that finally ended it for him.

But he died with a smile on his face, his hand reaching out to Tonks. He smiled when that curse hit him, because he knew he was about to see them again. He would see Sirius and James and Lily. He would walk with Harry down to the end. He would finally be with his family again. He smiled because, after so long, Remus Lupin was going home.


End file.
